For the past couple of months, I have struggled to find which direction to take my life and exactly how to lead my family. We have moved into our new home and have adjusted to our new home and area; it has been one of the greatest blessings and gifts I have received that my parents built a nice apartment in the basement of their home for my family to live in so that I am financially able to stay home to raise them. Now that we are really settled in and life has slowed down a bit, I’ve had a lot of reflection time recently.
Two more weeks will mark two years since Tony died. In so many ways I cannot believe it’s been two years and in some moments I feel that it has been much longer. Oh, there has been so much change in those two years and so many more lessons I’ve learned and grown from in various experiences. I’m just beginning to find who I am all over again, and have truly been searching deep for guidance and direction from my Heavenly Father.
Over the past couple of months, I felt frustrated, alone, disappointed, overwhelmed, and even at times angry with myself for getting stuck in low points of my grief waves. Not all my grief has to do with Tony’s passing but also includes feeling a deep loss of my previous dreams and lots to do with the difficulties of parenting alone. Widowhood and single parenting has not been for the faint of heart, and I’ve been tried in many ways over and over again. But even when I’ve felt down and alone, I’ve always known God has been by my side in every way, gently and tenderly leading me along. I’ll be sharing much more of the “moments of miracles” in my next blog post.
Even though discouragement has been a frequent visitor in my heart, I’ve pushed hard to not let it stay long enough by continuing to hope and rely on my Savior in that He knows and empathizes with the aches of my heart and that I can and will overcome it all through Him. It is not until just very recently that my pleas in sincere prayer have been realized, and that my eyes, mind, and heart have opened up so much more to understand that all I need to do is to continue moving forward and trust in God’s plan and timing. I still don’t see past each day but I am confident that He is leading me exactly where I will find joy and where I can one day bless others’ lives.
Two years of living and loving without Tony here by my side has given my trials, opportunities, and blessings beyond what I imagined I’d experience. I’ve shared a lot of my heart here on this blog as one of my outlets in working through my grief and adjusting to my new life. I want to thank all of those who have been by my side and have connected with me, mourned with me, laughed with me, and blessed my family. I know this will continue as I experience new trials and adventures but now is the time to wrap up this blog and look to the future. I’ll be writing just once more on this blog and will then begin focusing my writing efforts elsewhere. I’m still not sure yet where exactly that is :)
As one door closes behind me, I know there is a bright future ahead. I’m not sure where the next door will lead me but I’m thankful and feel peace knowing that my Savior will continue to be my guide as I continue to trust in Him. As in the words of President Monson, “Our future is as bright as our faith!”
