Bitter and sweet

In less than four months since Tony's passing, I've had a long list of things I wanted to accomplish before our baby is born. Tonight I finished the last item on my list.

It has been such a brief time since Tony died, the months have gone by quickly yet it has felt as if its been years since I've last seen him. I feel this is a difficult part of grieving as reality doesn't quite seem real and my heart feels confused at times.

As my days pass, I think to myself, "Is this really how life is now? When is Tony coming home so I can ask his advice, tell him a funny story, or hold his hand?" It's difficult to wrap my mind around our new world without Tony physically here, even though he has been gone for a season. But on nights like tonight, when I check an important item off my list, the reality settles in for a short time. As difficult as it is to feel the deep grief of loss and the sorrow of lost opportunities together in this life, it is also a remarkably refreshing cleanse of the heart and mind. It is bitter and it is sweet.

We have had wonderful service from many to help our family remember him. A dear friend and her mother sewed teddy bears out of Tony's sweaters (the kids call them their "Daddy teddies" and hold them close each night). Another sweet person offered to make quilts out of Tony's t-shirts. A neighbor is compiling all the audio recordings I've found from Tony, some which are priceless to me. I've made individual photo books for each of the kids with pictures of them with their daddy to keep in their beds with them. And my last project, all the wonderful stories and uplifting words you have shared with my family over the past year and a half have finally been compiled in a book along with letters and memorabilia from Tony. All these things mean the world for me to have for our children as these will become their memories as they grow. It's a relief to have it all compiled safely but difficult to see that it's actually finished. Again, it is bitter and sweet. I feel that the chapter of Tony's liveliness is now closed and ended, almost as it has made his death final in this life.

Baby Caleb Anthony will be joining our family before the end of the month. If you see me around, you will know that I am definitely ready to have this baby- my ever growing belly is stretched to its limit! The day of his birth is quickly approaching and as excited as I am to hold Caleb in my arms and feel the unique and special spirit of a new baby in my home, I am also very nervous. I am nervous to give birth without Tony by my side. I am nervous that I won't measure up to the mother I need to be for all my kids. I am nervous that the reality of losing Tony will sink in-- and stay.

Tony has always been such an amazing father. One thing I love about him is that Tony loves to hold our newborns, almost so that we would jokingly fight over whose turn it was to cuddle with the baby! Many of my favorite pictures of Tony are of him snuggling a baby in his arms on the couch after he drifts off to sleep for a nap. I love seeing my babies peacefully sleeping with my biggest baby :) I loved caring for Tony and stroking his hair while he napped with our little ones. I am nervous the heartache will feel too much for me to bear. The loss of future memories made in this life hurts so much sometimes.

My nervous worries may make this new change in our life bitter in some ways--- but I'm learning and trusting that they can become more sweet to me than bitter. Even though Tony has died, his spirit lives and he will live again as a fully perfect being! I know that while trying my best and trusting in my Father in Heaven, that if I allow Christ to make up my losses that those losses will turn into blessings. Those blessings can include joy and purpose in this life even without my sweetheart here. If I allow it and humble myself, God can transform me through the pain I experience and I can be more loving, thankful, and wise. And the most beautiful blessing of all will be when Tony and I can be reunited and I can then see how much he helped me every step of the way. I hope to tell him that I took those bittersweet moments and allowed the sweet to overcome the bitter, just as my Heavenly Father has intended for us all to do.

I am glad the heart aches

This past week has marked 10 years since Tony proposed to me. It seems the fog is slowly starting to lift and my heart is aching more for him.

You wouldn't think so being around me. Sometimes I catch people off guard as I am still my "normal" self: laughing, smiling, talking about any topic, making plans for my future. And it is true, life continues forward and day to day I can find so much happiness around me (I have seven big reasons!). But I don't act this way because I am in any way "over" Tony. I miss him dearly.  I miss him being alive and well (like in this picture taken 10 years ago) but I find myself now even missing him sick. While Tony was ill, I began grieving the loss of him, as the Tony we all knew, as our life changed much as he slowly faded. So now I find myself not only grieving my Tony, but also missing taking care of him when he was sick and not quite himself. I am thankful he no longer has to bear the burden of such a broken body--- but I do miss caring for him because I love him in all his forms- sick or healthy.

Often many will remark about moving forward and looking for companionship and help as I raise our children, as it is a big burden to bear. I do miss having Tony here as my husband and as the father to our babies, but above all I miss HIM. I miss his deep laugh as he would hunch over and squint his clear blue eyes and smile with his perfect lips. I miss his grin as he would gently tease me and hold me in his good arm. I miss watching him rock our babies to sleep and then beg if he could just hold them longer instead of focusing on sleep training. I miss going to the store and it taking twice as long because he had to go out of his way to say hello and have a full conversation with anyone he knew-- or anyone he didn't know, too! I could go on and on for pages about the many wonderful, and even the frustrating things, I miss about Tony. No matter what, I will always miss him and everything that he is and nothing can fill that void. Life will continue and the grief will lesson, but I will never stop missing him until we are together again.

I am thankful for all the help my kids and I continue to receive in many various forms of kindness. Please know how much it brightens my kids' days and helps alleviate the new stresses that we can have. This is the hardest difficulty I have ever faced, and it is only the beginning, so your love and prayers are much appreciated. I have connected and met with other young widows with small children--- there are so many of us in the world. My situation is not unique or unheard of, yet you continue to reach out and "mourn with those who mourn." Thank you for being my friend and especially a friend to my children. This single parenting is tough stuff!

Recently I have been reflecting on (and trying not to dwell, though) the many years it potentially will be until Tony and I are reunited. Being 29, I have a lot of life ahead of me and a lot of time to improve myself and strengthen my promises I have made with God and those I have made with Tony. I deeply want to return with honor to my Heavenly Father, as well as to my husband, for our marriage is not broken by the stripes of death, but can continue forever. I can still continue to be a wife to Tony even though he isn't physically here. The one sure way I can be a good wife to him still is to be a good mother to our children, which I feel I struggle with lately as my patience is fleeting and my belly is ever growing this new baby. At night I reflect on the day and all the different emotions that were felt in our home, and I hate to admit that there can be a lot of chaos and not as much peace and patience as I would like. I yearn for Tony's gentle guidance but I cannot feel it yet.

So what can we do when we feel stretched to our limits and disappointed with our daily performance? What do we do when all we have prayed for has been answered differently than we wanted, or hasn't been answered yet? One thing is all we can and need to do: turn to our Savior, Jesus Christ. When we feel that heaven or our Father seem far away, Christ is there to lift us up and ease our burdens. He doesn't solve our problems or take the aching away, but He can ease our sufferings by sharing the load if we let Him. With the absence of Tony, I realize how much more I need to rely on my Savior and I am beginning to see how much He really loves me. Jesus allows us to keep the hurt and pain and frustrations but teaches us how to endure well, for if they were taken away, so much love and joy would be lost in our lives as we could not learn and grow. He is our partner to share in all of life's sorrows and joys; how wonderful that God loves us so much that He sent Christ to help us with everything we need.

When we turn to our Savior and trust Him, life becomes more simple and we more easily recognize Heavenly Father's love for us. This is my focus right now in teaching my kids; all you need to do is trust God and He will take care of us. We may not understand or agree with the way our life is heading but when we trust in Him the burden of worries and anger slip away and peace can be your constant companion.

I am glad the heart aches, for it is a witness of the deep and profound love we feel and it helps us to turn to Jesus Christ, which is where true joy is for us all.

After the storm comes a rainbow

My sweet Sophie, 4 years old, painted a picture of a rainbow earlier this week with her watercolors. When she was finished, she proudly held up her hard work and with a big grin said, "I made this for Daddy!"

We placed the picture in a ziplock bag and set off to place it at Tony's grave. Unfortunately with the cold weather, his headstone cannot be placed until the spring so we tucked her beautiful gift at his unmarked grave onto the wreath holder. Sophie was so proud and wanted a picture taken of her, of course.

As she was painting her rainbow picture, I immediately thought of the story of Noah and the ark. Sophie had also painted me a matching rainbow, so I wrote "God's promises" on it and placed it on the fridge. When my older kids came home from school they quickly noticed the cute picture Sophie made. "What do you mean by 'God's promises,' Mom?" asked my oldest daughter, Emma (7). Before I even had a chance to open my mouth, Landon (8) piped in excitedly that he sure knew what it meant, and he wanted to give a lesson to our family that night about rainbows and promises.

Sure enough, a few hours later Landon rounded us all up for Family Home Evening (this is on Tuesday, I had failed to have it the night before but my little "man of the house" was making sure we still held it this week!). He passed the picture of the rainbow around and told the story of the prophet Noah to his younger siblings and then began to expound on promises that Heavenly Father makes to us. Baptism, temple covenants, and eternal families were all things Landon knew were promises we make to God, and in turn, God makes to us. Let's just say I was one proud mamma that day, and I was humbled by my beautiful children and their sweet hearts. I worry so much sometimes that I have much to teach them as they grow, but in reality, they are truly teaching me.

The rainbow picture will keep the coveted fridge spot for awhile. As I pass by it several times a day (I need to stay away from the ice cream more!), I reflect on all the promises I have made with Tony and together, as well as individuals, we have made with our Heavenly Father. What glorious promises I am reminded of when I look at the rainbow, and I can ground myself to remember God's Great Plan of Happiness. There is no trial or hardship too great that can surpass the peace and joy that comes from striving to live as God has asked us. I can really promise that, and I really do know eternal happiness WILL be gained if we do all that we can and rely on our Savior to fill in our inadequacies. If there is one thing I have began to better understand this past seven weeks, this is it!

After the storm comes a rainbow. Today we had a big snowstorm in the morning. It was dreary to go out in all the wet, and the sky was cloudy and grey, heavy and cold. But sure enough, the clouds cleared and the sun came out shining brighter than it had all week. What comfort we can receive if we recognize during the rain or snow that a rainbow or the sun will come again, and we will then have a deeper appreciation, even a greater desire, to see it and enjoy it.

Since Tony died seven weeks ago, a subtle grey sky has settled upon my heart. It is not a depression but the looming of a rain cloud above my head that is waiting to pour down on me. I know the hard work of grieving is ahead of me, and that the time to begin processing it is here. In order to help, I've scheduled a visit with a grief counselor to begin this process, for I know I need to be armed with all the help I can get when the storm pours over my soul. It may sound strange, but I am wanting to go through this since there will be a rainbow at the end, and peace can fill my heart. I long to feel the warmth of the sun. My appreciation for so many things in life has deepened, and my heart needs to begin to heal and grow again. Going into this storm, I think the half of my heart that is still left with me can heal and grow, even bigger than it was before.

I promised Tony I would keep writing even after he was gone. I am not wanting to be too personal, but am feeling a great need to share my feelings and experiences with you, for whatever benefit that my be, even if it is just theraputic to write down my thoughts for myself. So plan on hearing from me over the next several months as I sort through my ache of missing Tony and learn to patiently wait for my rainbow to come.

Thank you again to all who serve us so selflessly and send words of love and encouragement. My kids and I love you all!

32nd birthday and 1st birthday

Yesterday (the 29th) was Tony's 32nd birthday and Amelia's 1st birthday. Christmas was a few days ago and tomorrow is New Year's Eve. Today also marks four weeks since Tony has passed away.

When Amelia was born at 1am on Tony's birthday last year, I knew it was because Tony wasn't going to be here on Earth physically for all the birthdays they would share in the future. This was for Amelia's sake so that as she grows she will have a special connection with her dad even if she can't remember anything about him. It also was a blessing for my family that they share a birthday; it made a day that could be difficult turned into a day where we learn to lay aside our sorrows and celebrate our sweet baby girl and her daddy!

Several people have been wanting to know how we have been doing this last month, especially recently as we have celebrated a few major holidays. As for my kids, they are doing as well as can be expected. One child has a breakdown each day, and each in their own ways, about missing their Daddy. It's interesting to see how their coping is as different as their personalities. I have one child who is trying to be a mirror-image of his father, who constantly talks about Tony and asks questions about him, while I have another who just flat out breaks down in tears completely unexpectedly. And there is a whole spectrum of coping in between that. Sweet little Sophie (4) hasn't said much about Tony passing but the day after Christmas she really struggled. As I was putting her to bed that night, she shyly ran up to me with her new toy, very upset and cried, "Daddy doesn't know that I got this for Christmas!" and then began to cry for the first time since his passing. It's like her little heart couldn't hold it in any longer.

The tender mercy of being around grieving children is that they are so loving and resilient. Yes, they're learning to cope and we have challenges that arise because of that, but it gives us (me with each child one-on-one) more opportunities to sit and hug and learn and share together. I'm glad I have them and it's more than they will ever know because they are what keep me moving forward and bring so much life to each day. They are the reason that we had a nice Christmas; their excited faces and wonder-filled eyes kept me pushing on, giving me something to look forward to as a mother.

When I'm asked how I am really doing, I'm not sure how to put into words my emotions. It's as if I am still in denial about Tony's death, even though I know it happened. During the day one of my kids will say something cute, or I look at a picture from years ago, and I think to myself "I can't wait for Tony to be home today so I can show/ tell him about this story!" And then I have to remind myself that I can't physically talk with him about that... Or about little frustrations I have... Or about upcoming plans to make... Or to just cuddle on the couch at night. I know it can't happen yet my mind still thinks he is coming home. Once in awhile (mainly at night when it's quiet and the kids are all sleeping) it will hit me that Tony is gone and the feeling only stays for a few minutes. I'm told this is a normal part of the grieving process and to enjoy staying here until the punch-in-the-stomach comes. So I will be grateful that the Lord is helping me through this process, and that He will help me through he next stages when He knows I am ready. All I can do is just keep trusting in Him and I know it will all work out.

A real difficulty I have been experiencing lately is not feeling Tony with me. I've always thought that when someone you love passes away that you will feel them close at many times, maybe not constantly but at times you need it. Now I do feel a calm rush of peace flow over my body when the waves of grief hit me and I am grateful for the Spirit's constant reassurance and companionship. But I don't feel Tony near and I keep blaming myself that I am distracting myself too much (work can do wonders for a grieving heart, so I've been doing a few projects here and there to pass the time at night). A few nights ago I was laying in bed, crying because I couldn't feel him and it has felt like so long ago that Tony died, so much that I ached to know he was close. I prayed and prayed for help to feel him near but I felt nothing. I went to sleep hoping for an answer soon.

Tonight I had a stranger teach me just what I needed to know and it really was an answer to my prayer. Her husband had passed away from brain cancer and had paralysis on one side of his body, just like Tony. When he was alive this woman used to hold her husband's paralyzed hand to which he would reply in a small frustration, "I can't feel you holding my hand and I desparetly wish I could." Her response was simple, "I know you can't feel me but I promise I am here and will stay here." After her husband passed away, she experienced the same frustrations of not feeling him near. She then remembered the hand holding story and how her husband needed to trust that she was there for him. Now it was her turn to trust that he was there for her, even if that meant she couldn't feel him near. What a beautiful example of faith and trust!

I may not feel Tony close to us right now but I know he is. Trust and faith is a constant learning process and we can't take even one day off from trying. I need to do the same with my own emotions and worries and desires: to lay my burdens at His feet and allow Him to carry me when He knows I need it. That's a beautiful and powerful part of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and when we apply this love to our life, it can heal us so much.

Lily (5) jumped in my arms tonight before bed and gave me a huge hug with one arm around my neck and her other arm clenching onto "Daddy's blanket." She kissed my cheek with her warm wet lips and (almost shouting!) exclaimed to me, "Now I can have a hug from Mommy and Daddy at the same time! Daddy is always with me!"

Yet another answer. Keep believing and keep trusting and God will take care of us.

It's gonna be okay

My children and I cannot begin to express our thanks to everyone who has been so kind to us this past year, and especially the last month. Generous love and kind words have warmed my heart and helped me to know that "It's gonna be okay." In time, I will try to thank everyone personally as things settle down but for now, please know how grateful I am to you. Tony's service was beautiful and the Spirit was very strong. I'm sure Tony was very pleased and wants you to know how much he loves you each individually, just as I do!

Many people have asked how our kiddies are handling the past 10 days. I'm amazed how much Heavenly Father sends His love to comfort them. They each have moments where they break down and sob in my arms but are still able to remain happy, loving kids. They even put on a dance performance last night and exclaimed, "I'm sure Dad loves watching this!" He did.

Losing Tony right before Christmas has its challenge that we will have our first holiday, and our favorite holiday, without his physical presence. But I am also so thankful for the season, that my kids are excited and feel the Christmas spirit even with grief in our lives. We have much to look forward to and I am grateful that Tony was able to Christmas shop with me (thank you, Amazon!) before he passed.

This song by the Piano Guys is very fitting for how I feel. Hope you enjoy watching! Also, I've attached the words I shared at Tony's funeral for those who wanted to read them.

I love you all!

There may be many of you today who are wondering why I chose to speak, I sit here myself asking why as well. Before Tony’s passing, he mentioned that he would love to have me speak at his service if he was to leave this world, and that he wanted me to talk on eternal life, and continue to share his testimony along with mine. In order to keep my best composure, I have decided to write these things out in hopes that the Spirit has guided me in best relaying what our Father in Heaven needs us to hear, and what Tony and I have learned through our trials and experiences.

The great Plan of Happiness truly is as its name proclaims: a perfect plan for us to obtain true happiness, or as I refer to as joy. Our spirits, begotten of our Heavenly parents, needed to come to mortality to receive a physical body, a family, and experiences for us to strengthen our desires for good. After passing through these things, we have the opportunity to obtain eternal life with our Creator and our Savior. There is no greater happiness or joy than in our relationship with them, for this truly is the Plan of Happiness. God knows the best and only way to give us a fullness of joy and He has provided a way for us to obtain that. As we read in Proverbs 3:5-6 we need to, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths.”

All of us here today are still being tried and tested but it is not in vain, it is God’s perfect way! Only He knows what we must undergo in order to become as He is, and this plan is unique and individualized for every single child He has. Holding onto our faith, which stems from the trust we have in Him, I promise that we can all become perfected, even so that we can dwell with our Father again.  Because God sent His Son to atone for our sins and to break the bonds of physical death, we can rely on Jesus Christ to help us every step of the way.

I know this to be true because of the experiences I have had with Tony, and for the experiences I have already had this past week. With such difficult circumstances we faced, and will continue to face, there is only one way the Lord has provided a way to feel peace; that is through trusting Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Lay your burdens at their feet and live to the best you can; I promise you will see the daily miracles in your life that will begin to change your heart and fill your soul with lasting peace and happiness. God did not intend for this mortal journey to be only filled with torment and sorrows, His intent is for us to experience these things so that we can turn to Him to find and know with a surety that He loves us and will provide a way. Our Savior can heal all wounds, even the wound of my heart missing my Tony. Mosiah 14:4 reads “Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows…” Tony knows this to be true and so do I, without a doubt in my mind.

Because of our Savior, He not only heals our hearts and helps us find solace for our grief and worries, but He has also made it possible for us to be together again. “…God hath given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son” (as we find in John 5:11).  One day, Tony’s spirit and his body will be reunited, perfected and free of any disease! He will run to our children and throw them in the air with both his arms, something he was unable to do in this life for the past eight years. And the joy does not stop there. Hand in hand, we will kneel at our Savior’s feet and thank Him for eternity, for giving us the beautiful gift of eternal life with Him and with those whom we love so dearly.

I thank my Elder Brother for helping bear the burden of the sorrows I have in this life. He has lifted my chin up so that I can look heavenward and recognize all the miracles around me.  He gives me the strength to look toward a new day and to press onward, with an increased faith in Heavenly Father. I know He will direct me in this life exactly as I need, so that I can reunited with Tony, never again to be separated. The Atonement has and will continue to strengthen and heal us, and will miraculously break the bonds of death for us all. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love us, and if we turn to them, they will always be there every step we take in our journey back to them.

Simple truths and the obituary

A good friend of Tony's shared a few thoughts with me since Tony's passing.

"Thanks to Jesus, death is a comma and not a period" (Elder Maxwell) as well as, "In order to take the mourning out of death is to take love out of life."

I thought both of these thoughts were fitting for how I have felt over the past six days. Even with all the planning that goes into a funeral, life has slowed down a bit and I've had many more quiet moments to reflect and pray.

Losing Tony temporarily in this life has been the most difficult thing I have experienced so far. And as everyone who has lost someone close due to a terminal disease has told me, even with the time you have to "prepare" and come to peace and acceptance about it, there is no way to be fully prepared for it. That is most definitely true.

I'll have time in the months to come to really dig down deep and share all the thoughts zooming through my head. But these two are some of the most important that I have continued to learn this past week:

-Because of Jesus Christ, and only because of Him, death is a comma. Without Heavenly Father's Plan of Happiness and the Atonement of Christ, we would all die and cease to exist. This life would be in vain and would have no true purpose. I know without a single doubt in my mind that Tony and I will be reunited together again as one, with our precious children and all the family we love so dearly. Even though Tony is no longer here with me physically, I will forever remain his wife and he will always be my husband, and together we will raise our children in light and truth. The gratitude I have for my Savior has increased exponentially as I recognize the hole in my heart and know that it will be pieced together again through the Atonement and the Resurrection. And how great our joy will be as Tony and I can walk hand in hand again one day and kneel at the feet of our Savior and weep with tears of gratitude. All the pain and heartache will be worth its cost, and Christ will bare more than His share for me in the many years to come. We are all so loved.

-Grief is essential to our spirits, just as much as love is. There have been moments where the grief seems unbearable, where I want to cry out in pain as I feel my chest collapsing in sorrow. That's how it feels to me, and I hate when it comes crashing in. But I am thankful for this deep emotion as it's a reminder of how deeply I love Tony, how full and enriching our marriage is, how we were really able to connect "as one" over the past decade. I would do it all over again a thousand times to be with him forever. I will welcome the grief to continue to have all this love. We will be together again, and until then, I never want to forget how Tony makes me feel as a wife, mother, and above all, a daughter of God.

Thank you to everyone who continues to reach out to my family and me. I'm overwhelmed and grateful for all the love and support, and within time, hope to respond to all the beautiful and comforting words that have been written to me. Sometimes there are no words and a hug can make all the difference. Thank you.

Here is Tony's obituary for those who are interested in information about his services this weekend:

Daryl Anthony Means, also known as Tony, age 31, of Orem, passed away on December 2, 2016 (glioblastoma brain cancer). He was born December 29, 1984, in Orem, Utah to Daryl Von Means and Sharese Thompson Means. Tony married his eternal companion, Erica Alyse Kendall Means on June 8, 2007 in the Nauvoo LDS Temple.

Tony completed his bachelor’s degree at Brigham Young University in health education and pursued a career teaching seminary for the LDS church at Orem High from 2012-2016. His passion for the gospel, his Savior and his students impacted hundreds of lives while teaching. Movies, music, camping, and anything Scottish filled his time but above all, spending his days with his family was his favorite pastime. Being a husband and father was his top priority in all he did.

Tony is survived by his wife (Erica Means) and children (Daryl Landon, Emma Alyse, Lily Kendall, Sophie Mae, Tanner Fielding, Amelia Rose, and soon to join the family, Caleb Anthony); by his father (Daryl Von Means); his sister (Lindsey Rebecca Means); his brother (Andrew Warner Means). He was proceeded in death by his mother (Sharese Thompson Means).

Funeral services will be held Saturday, December 10, 2016 at 11 a.m. in the Northridge Stake Chapel, 1660 N 200 W, Orem, Utah. A viewing for friends and family will be held Friday evening from 6 to 8 p.m. at the church as well as Saturday morning from 9-10:30 a.m. Burial will be in the Orem City Cemetery. In lieu of flowers you may donate to Huntsman Cancer Institute’s elephant and cancer research at huntsmancancer.org/donate and indicate the gift is for Dr. Schiffman’s lab in the notes section of the online donation form.

Peaceful sleep

My dear Tony passed away last night. It was peaceful, sweet, and quiet with no struggle or pain. I laid next to him in his bed for an hour before the funeral home came to take and protect his body for us. I will miss stroking his hair, rubbing his ears, holding his hands, and kissing his perfect lips, among so many other things that I hold so dear and sacred. We have a beautiful and enriching marriage together, and were blessed with seven wonderful and special children. They are all doing okay and we will make it through slowly, one step and tear at a time. Families really are forever and Tony will be waiting for us, helping guide us each day.

I'm in too much pain to write more and I can't see the screen. I'll post further arrangements once I have them planned. Today, give someone a compliment just as Tony does. Find someone who is downtrodden and lift them up.

I love you, Tony. Please keep my heart safe until we are together again.