Mountains to climb

First off, an update on Tony! I am very happy to say that Tony is feeling much better lately. After getting over his infection and finally being able to eat again, he is able to be up and awake for longer periods during the day, and on really good days with only one long nap! He continues his Avastin infusions every other Thursday and the drug seems to be helping by keeping things constant. We are so grateful that we are able to have him feeling better and to spend more quality time together as a family. For about six weeks, everyday was difficult for him and we were worried he was beginning a long decline but now things have looked up a bit more and are staying steady. Lately he is having a lot of pain in his left shoulder and arm (which are almost completely paralyzed and have little to no movement). Since March, the weight of his shoulder has slowly been causing problems to where he now has a lot of pain upon movement. We take as many precautions as possible to give him relief and are hoping we can continue to improve ways to keep his shoulder and arm as comfortable as possible. We feel very blessed.



The first weekend of August, Tony and I were fortunate enough to go on a short trip to southern Utah with our dear friends for a few days. It was great to get away from everyday cares and to spend some good time connecting and relaxing. We left ALL our kids (including our baby!) with family, something we've only done once for our anniversary overnight and when Tony has been in the hospital recovering from surgeries.

On our way home, we visited Bryce Canyon, a first for both Tony and me. We had been traveling a good portion of the day by the time we made it to this beautiful look-out, and by then, Tony was exhausted and opted to stay in the car to rest. The thought of getting out of the car, into his wheelchair, and then back into the car can be daunting for him sometimes. That's a lot of work for him!

Tony rested in the car as my friends and myself ran up to the view point to snap a few pictures so I could bring them back to show Tony. It was breathtakingly beautiful. Many of the visitors to the canyon were prepared to hike, and I thought how it must be an amazing yet exhausting hike down and back up again. In Utah, there are mountains varying in beauty all over the state. One day I want to hike many of these mountains. Being surrounded by God's creations is like a hymn to my soul. It's grounding for me, and healing for the many difficulties we have in life. Looking out at this view, life places itself in perspective for me, and I realize that the figurative mountains I now climb can be a balm to my soul if I allow them to be.

If I turn to God and to my Savior, I won't have to climb alone. And if I allow myself to stop and take in the view of all the beauty around me, I will begin to appreciate the difficult tasks I have conquered with them and will gladly face the ones ahead of me.

Tony and I still have our nightly talks as I rub his sore muscles on his body. Tonight we watched a short video "Mountains to Climb" with our children before bed. I cannot help but feel the love my Heavenly Father has for me, and be uplifted by my Savior's desire to help carry my load. Tony and I discussed this video in detail and we came to one very important conclusion: Our plea to God is to keep giving us the mountains that He wants us to climb, for our happiness and joy lies within the lessons we learn from these experiences. With the help of our brother, Jesus Christ, we want to gladly accept the mountains that God has laid out for us and cheerfully bring our family along.

I hope we are choosing to move another foot forward each day with eyes toward heaven, hands grasping each others and our babies, with tears of gratitude in our eyes. More than anything, we want to live with Heavenly Father and our Savior again with our family, and if we need to climb these mountains and many more to make it to them, I will gladly jump up and down and shout to get on the path now. What could matter more?

Here is the video for you to enjoy!
Disclaimer: For those of you who know me well, you understand that I don't cry very often. Don't get me wrong, I'm very emotional but rarely are these emotions accompanied by tears. This video is an exception for me. You won't find me watching it in public :)  Let the tears flow, y'all!

The elephant in the room

It has been five weeks since Tony's last appointment with his neuro oncologist, where Tony had two treatments of Avastin infusions over this time. Yesterday Tony had another MRI to see how the tumor is responding to the treatment.

If you can last remember, the previous MRI after chemo and radiation wasn't very promising. Half of his brain looked like swelling and/or tumor growth. Now.... we are very pleased to say that it in fact was swelling and the swelling is now gone! The tumor remains stable right now, meaning we will continue more treatments every other Thursday to try to keep it from growing and will have a follow up MRI and appointment September 9th.

Lately Tony has dealt with an infection in his colon, giving him severe stomach pain when he moves and some awful nausea (but thankfully no vomiting). Just today, the nausea has finally subsided and he was able to eat---- drum roll, please--- a piece of toast! My poor guy has lost about 30 pounds in a month because he just couldn't bring himself to eat literally anything lately. We are hoping this continues to improve as he finishes his antibiotics so that he can have his manly appetite again to match his manly beard :) Move over soups and smoothies and pass him the steak and potatoes!

And now for the elephant in the room. I have two explanations for this for you today.

1) Our family life has now transformed into a very different "new normal" that we are trying to adjust to. We have reached the point in Tony's illness that he is unable to be out and about much or stay up for long periods of time without extreme fatigue. Much of his time is spent sleeping, and when he is up, he is still resting. I've noticed as friends, family, and former students (and even some of our health care team) interact with him, they can see the physical change. My loud, talkative, sarcastic, laughing husband is so much more mellow now. It's difficult for him to hold long and deep discussions too often.

Now the elephant in the room is that Tony has a terminal illness. He knows it, I know it, everyone we associate with knows it, yet sometimes it is difficult for some to talk about. I often get the question, "Why is he so tired? Won't medications, diet changes, or more physical activity change that? What about physical therapy? I thought his medications are helping, so why aren't there physical improvements?" The honest truth is that's what brain tumors do. Tony's tumor (the size of a tangerine) has pushed all the good brain tissue away from its original space, causing pressure to build up in his brain. There can be lots of different symptoms based on the location of the tumor in the brain but in each case fatigue can be the biggest enemy.

Because of his need to sleep, we are often going to places or having daily meals, routines, etc. without him. I think it's very emotionally difficult for him as well because he wants to be present for everything but it's physically impossible much of the time. Often I reassure him about his importance as a husband, father, son, brother, confidant, and friend. There is much he continues to offer to us all and I am humbled to be with him and be blessed by his wisdom and love. He has the opportunity to spend time in reflection and prayer and in turn has blessed our family from his experiences and learning.

I've recently come to the understanding that I miss parts of him. Now I am so so so thankful for the time we have to spend together, and that his personality remains true to his self and character, but I miss what it was like when he wasn't ill. My kids and I attended two LDS baptisms last weekend for our close friends, and while driving home, my heart ached. I wish he could be with us for all things he was with us before. Running errands, attending all our church services, going to the park, venturing out into the mountains, visiting the pet store. I miss surprising him at work when we would randomly show up to visit. I miss watching him wrestle with the kids and dance like a fool (!) in our living room.

But for all the things I miss, the Lord has given me the opportunity to enjoy the new things in our life. As opposed to before, we get to spend more time alone together due to driving back and forth from Salt Lake for his treatments/ appointments. I am blessed with his tenderness and sensitivity. He has always had an appreciation for me but that has only grown for each of us. I am blessed to physically serve him and am thankful for his emotional service to me. We both need each other equally through this, and will rely on each other forever. Our partnership with each other and with God will transcend through anything, even the bonds of death.

I look forward with great anticipation to see Tony break the chains of his physical limitations, for him to have a complete and perfect resurrected body, and for us together to serve our God and King for all eternity.

There is no doubt in my mind or my whole soul. My heart knows these things with a complete certainty.

Just like our five year-old Lily's picture at the beginning of this post, Tony is our blessing.


Now the other elephant in the room is a bit more exciting ;)

2) After we visited with our neuro team at Huntsman yesterday, we were able to visit the research lab of our genetics physician. He is the one who oversees all the screening care for our family and is doing some AMAZING research. Dr. Josh Schiffman's breaking research was published in the JAMA in October 2015 and has now had publications covering his research in 150,000 publications around the world. If they can meet their goal of raising $20 million (through donations or investors), human trials can begin in three years, and our family will definitely be first to sign up!

Essentially, elephant p53 will be inserted into nano particles that will be available in an oral medication over-the-counter, boosting our bodies' ability to fight off cancers. This would be wonderful not only to our family but to the general population. I'll be giving more details as time goes on but in the meantime, check out these videos that explains Schiffman's research, one of which features a few snip-its of our family at home.

A picture is worth a thousand words

Just wanted to give a brief update on how Tony is feeling. He has completed two treatments of the drug Avastin and will be having a scan on July 14th. This is a big day for us because we feel we will have more answers to how his tumor is reacting to all the treatments since his surgery in March. The Avastin should have decreased the swelling in his brain making it easier to decipher the big question of "Is it working?" I'll definitely be blogging with an update that evening while I'm enjoying my ice cream ;)

Tony has been very tired. You can see it in his eyes and in his slow steps. Our kids are really beginning to understand "Daddy is really sick" because they now see it. We have just recently started giving them each their own day once a week to cuddle, watch a movie and rest next to Tony when he is in bed as much as they want. I'm hoping these are treasured times for him and the kids. Our little four year old Sophie laid next to him for almost four hours straight on her day. These kids love their daddy deeply.

I'm lucky to spend time with him each night once the kids are in bed. I rub his hands, his feet, his knees, and his very sore left arm and shoulder while he sweetly listens. We talk a lot about our kids, our family, his students, friends and those we love. We talk about the future, as well as the past and present. We dream of things to come and look back with gratitude and awe of God's hand in our life together. God really is so good to us.

Now enough of my blabbering. A picture really is worth a thousand words. Recently we had pictures of our family taken by our cousin Dawnette. Her talent best captures our family right now. I'm sure you will agree.

Where there is great love, there are always miracles.

Tony can really rock the beard. What a man.

June 9th was a big day for us. After dropping the five oldest kids at a friend's house for the day, we made the 45-minute trek up to Huntsman Cancer Institute. 

Today was Tony's first scan of his brain since completing the combination chemotherapy and radiation three weeks ago. We both went into the appointment today with an idea of what could happen but unclear expectations of what came next.

As always, Amelia joined us for the day. Not only did we meet with Tony's doctor, but she had her very own appointment at Huntsman today! Amelia is a star at the hospital because as soon as we show up for a visit, the normally quiet clinic becomes a bustling arena with Amelia's coos and everyone's "awwws" as employees stand in line to hold her. She is such a beautiful miracle. While being passed around between all the nurses and coordinators in the clinic, a small cheek swab for DNA samples was collected from her mouth. In about six to eight weeks, we will receive the results for Amelia's genetic testing which will tell us if she is positive or negative for the gene (LFS) that Tony and three of her siblings have. If she is positive, she will join her three out five siblings each summer in having routine cancer screenings of her brain and body. If not, our little Lily (age 5) will think Amelia is even more her twin, as they both are toe heads with big bright blue eyes and matching elephant pajamas. The pajamas really seal the deal in Lily's eyes, and Lily is even convinced they have the same laugh :) I will post updates on Amelia once we get the news.

With Amelia entertained, Tony and I made our way to a room to meet with his doctors. The PA came in first to somewhat prepare the way for the news of the doctor. After a bit of small talk, the PA started pulling up Tony's imaging of his scan that morning and said "Your scans look horrible." Tony thought it was a joke but upon seeing the serious look on his face, he realized something was up. It is expected to have a lot of swelling and irritation in the brain shortly after radiation treatments, and with this scan being only three weeks out from the finish of those treatments, we expected some swelling. But this swelling really did look horrible. Tony's tumor is located in the right hemisphere of his brain, and it would be very fair to say that 3/4 of the right side of his brain had a lot of swelling and irritation. It was way more than what I was expecting. Our PA then turned to us and said all this enhancement on the scan could be from two different things (or a combination of both) that 1) the radiation really made an impact on his brain and as a result there just really was a lot of irritation, or 2) the tumor could be growing again. In his years as a PA, he had never seen anyone's tumor have growth while undergoing chemotherapy and radiation at the same time. It isn't impossible but definitely rare. He grabbed our neuro oncologist to give us his opinion and we were surprised to hear that he was unsure of what was going on. Could it just be swelling? Could it be tumor growth? Or could it be a combination? There is no way to know with a certainty by just seeing the image from the scan. The doctor (who I really feel is one of the best!) couldn't say with confidence that it was either or both. There is still so much unknown about the brain.

Where does this leave us now? Three options were presented. 1) Do nothing and repeat the scan in four weeks hoping irritation has subsided. 2) Wait as we try to get Tony approved for a clinical study in which he wouldn't be able to begin until at least three months out from the end of radiation treatments. 3) Opt to start a drug called Avastin which should halt any tumor growth and will reduce swelling, then re-scan the brain in five weeks to see what has happened.

The doctor, Tony, and I all agreed to begin Avastin treatments. We didn't feel confident in waiting a month without any treatments to see if any changes occurred. The fact that we are unsure if Tony will qualify for this particular clinical trial and going without treatments for another two months made us uneasy. So Tony will begin Avastin infusions next Thursday. I will take him for his treatments every two weeks where they will infuse the drug through an IV. The purpose of Avastin is to block the blood supply that feeds the tumor in order to stop the tumor from growing. Side effects should be pretty minimal, and it will give us an excuse to have a hot date for a few hours at the hospital every other week where I will definitely be bringing popcorn and a movie :) We will re-scan Tony's brain on July 14th to see what progress has been made.

Where there is great love, there are always miracles. As Tony was having his MRI scan this morning, I sat in the waiting room watching those around me. To be honest, Tony and I feel like babies at this hospital. Most patients are at a point in their lives where their children are grown or they are even retired. I watched as I saw spouses anxiously bounce their knees and twiddle their thumbs as they waited. A middle aged woman put her arms around her elderly father and told him that whatever they were facing, it would be okay because they were together. Nervous laughs and especially a lot of silent meditation was all around me. What were each of these families facing? What was in their future? 

Faces often lit up as they walked past Amelia who would catch their eye and deliver the biggest "full body smiles" to them where she scrunches her arms and legs into her chest because she is just so very happy! Her refreshing youth and sweet spirit filled the room as I saw tensions begin to melt away a bit. To Amelia, life couldn't be better. She has no idea that her daddy is very sick. She is unaware that her time with her daddy may or may not be long. She doesn't understand the stress that an unclear future can put on a family. All she wants to do is love us and everyone she meets. Sometimes I can see in her face that she wants to say, "Please pass me around so I can brighten everyone's day!" Her beaming love is a testament to me. If we can love greatly, we can have great miracles. And maybe what she is trying to teach us is that the greatest miracle of all is that we can learn to love. Love is the most powerful force in existence. Love is what brings a family together and children into the world. Love is what pushes our souls to look outside ourselves and to help those around us. Through love we can be transformed as its literal power brings unending growth and improvement to our souls. And it is through Jesus Christ that the ultimate act of love makes it possible for us to achieve all these things.

Tony often says that the most frustrating thing for him in this life is the inability to express how much he loves others. I can so agree! I love my husband with all my heart and soul. Our children love him with such tenderness and purity. I have seen in our family and in our community that Tony is loved by so many. 

Oh, how we all love you, Tony. With all this love beaming in our hearts, miracles have and will continue to happen. You are our miracle in our lives because you radiate love. And I still have hope that you can "tarry a bit longer" with us. God's plan is perfect because he loves you, I can promise that without a bit of doubt in my heart and mind.

Comparison is the thief of joy

First off, great news! Tony finished his last treatments of chemotherapy and radiation yesterday! The staff at Huntsman will be missing him and will have a little less excitement in their work place now ;)

On June 9th Tony will have a brain scan and we will meet with his neuro-oncologist to discuss the results and see if there will be further treatments, etc. I'll be sure to post updates that evening.


Awhile back, Tony and I were driving in the car having one of our deep discussions, We do all our best talking when we are driving somewhere, especially back and forth from Salt Lake to home. Our discussion led us to bouncing ideas off each other about how to build self-esteem and how we can help foster divine worth in our children. During this conversation I made a simple remark that "Comparison is the thief of joy." As I said this, Tony looked at me with astonishment and surprise. He admitted that he was really impressed that I came up with this phrase and told me he was going to use it when teaching his students. He was seriously smitten with me, his jaw dropped and everything. I felt pretty cool for about 10 seconds, and then my face turned red and I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my cheeks.

It is not my quote!

See, there was a pretty awesome leader named Teddy Roosevelt. It's his. Not mine. I'm flattered that Tony thinks I'm witty enough to come up with some great slogan but there's a fat chance that will happen seeing that I only get in one good joke each month.

President Roosevelt was a wise man. Comparison is the thief of joy. We talked about how so many low self-esteem problems rise from too much comparison in our society. Who can be the smartest? Who can make the most money? Who is the most athletic? Who is the fairest of them all?! Now, I think a little healthy competition is beneficial to us all at some points as it can be a motivating factor in bettering ourselves. But comparison is definitely toxic when the end result is only self pity, envy ore resentment.

I catch myself tormenting myself with the comparison game sometimes. Today I turn the ripe ol' age of 29. I've always felt that once I turned 30 (and wow, that is pretty soon!) that I needed to "officially" be an adult. You know, the adults who have half a years' worth of living expenses in their savings account, the ones who own their home, the ones who immerse themselves in PTA and coaching their kids' teams, the ones who have a 20 year plan and look like they are sticking to it.

Well, I am definitely no where near "adulting" in this sense. That nasty comparison game creeps up on me here and there throughout each year when I am reminded that many around me have these things and I don't yet. And it's something I've been playing a long time. I hate this game and I'm trying to burn it. Really.

What are the ways we can bury this comparison game forever? Tony and I discuss this often and we are beginning to find ways to play less often. He is really good at refusing to play. How does he do it?

1. Discovering the divine nature of our spirits. Simply put, we are God's children and that is enough. This alone, when truly taken to heart, can fill our souls with worth so we know and understand how unique and special and deeply loved we are individually to our Heavenly Father. That's pretty incredible. We don't have to "beat" anyone out to be loved perfectly by Him. We already are.

2. Studying and understanding the Atonement. You knew this one was coming ;) The Atonement of Jesus Christ was performed individually for you and me, one by one, with no rush or distractions. The Savior really does know our deepest joys and sorrows, and when we come to actually FEEL this, we know we are never alone when we feel battered down about ourselves or our lives. Turning to Christ allows us to know we are better than our circumstances and more than our flaws. He focuses on our strengths and never ever compares us to others.

3. Learning true beauty. Someone once told me that it was unhealthy to tell your children that they are beautiful and instead, to only focus on their character strengths. While compliments to one's character uplifts and helps others, helping someone discover their true beauty encompasses all these things. Instead of saying to your child (or to yourself in this case) "You are so smart" (which can feel fleeting as situations in life change) try telling someone they are beautiful. Tony tells me all the time how beautiful I am, and nine times out of ten it is when I'm getting ready for bed and I'm in sweats and have no make-up on. I am definitely not in my "A" game in my pjs.  Although I am physically pretty in his eyes, he really is complimenting me on the beauty of my soul, of my attitude, of my motherly traits, of my ____, etc. Try telling yourself you are beautiful today! And start believing it!

4. Complimenting others. When we can start seeing the good in others and actually telling them what we enjoy about them, feelings of competition fade. We begin to love them personally and realize that anything good about others is not a threat to our own being. Celebrate when good things happen to other people, and feel concern and sorrow when disappointments happen in their lives. Any of Tony's students reading this will definitely attest that Brother Means is a great complimenter and it does wonders for his happiness.

5. Counting your many blessings. Really do name them one by one. It's hard to get started when you are down but if you think about the greatest blessing you have and realize what a difference your life would be without them, your whole being will swell with gratitude and humility. It's never helpful to count your blessings by saying "Well, I might not have this, but I have this" or, "At least I'm not dealing with this." Just name what you DO have and soon we can come to realize that we really are given so much.

I bring this up because lately it can be hard for me not to start comparing my present life to what I thought my life would be at 29 years old. I never imagined when we married almost nine years ago that we would be facing the reality of our mortality at such young ages. I never imagined that we would have to have some serious discussions about an alternative future to my fairy tale desires. I thought that if we worked hard and tried to constantly improve ourselves that we would be living in a cute white house with a wrap-around porch on a small farm, watching thunderstorms while holding hands with Tony on our porch swing as our cute kids jumped in rain puddles, with me in a beautiful dress and dutch braids in my long hair. I'd have the patience of Job and a smile on my face- always. And if I could, I'd always be cuddling with a baby on my lap :) My little dream may not seem like much but it's what I've wanted for a long time, and what Tony and I are working towards. It may not happen. Or if we are blessed with a miracle, our little dream could come true.

I'm terrible at comparing myself to my ideal self, seeing how I have many flaws and "should" have those flaws fixed.  Every few weeks, I feel myself slipping into a destructive state wishing that the plans we had for our family didn't have to be on hold right now. No one knows what their future holds. No one really can be an "adult" and stick to a 20 year plan with no wrenches thrown in the works. "Adulting" comes when we can accept and embrace the plan that our Heavenly Father has mapped out for us, and I'm trying hard to do this each day.

Counting my blessings, I am deeply moved and humbled when I see what the Lord has given my family. We may have some difficult problems in our life right now but it is all trumped by the beautiful tokens of blessings we enjoy. And as I try to live the five steps above, my worth increases and I can more fully see myself and my family in God's eyes. In the eyes of our sweet Emma (who drew the picture above), our little family of eight is just perfect and happy as we are right here and now. We don't need a cute white house on a little farm with thunderstorms. Right now I have what is in our daughter's drawing and that is a dream come true. Cancer will never destroy our eternal family, it will only draw our family closer together and to God if we allow ourselves to stop our comparisons. I'm starting to experience the joy that comes in the absence of comparisons. I wouldn't change how God has blessed me!

Hope

Again, I want to thank everyone for the continued love and support we are receiving from so many of you. I hope to one day to be able to express our gratitude perfectly and to have opportunities to serve and uplift your lives as you have ours.

We have been so blessed by all who have visited us. Despite Tony's fatigue, he expressed to me tonight his sincere gratitude to our friends and family who come by for brief visits. Each visitor brings a special spirit into our home and adds courage and love into our lives. It must be a relief for Tony as well, as he must be so sick of  talking with me all the time ;)

Tonight I want to write about a particular experience we had a week ago. Tony and I were able to have a friend visit as we were putting the kids to bed. When he arrived, we updated him on Tony's current health situation, he then asked Tony how long it had been since he had a priesthood blessing. (For those of you who are unfamiliar with priesthood blessings, you can visit here to learn more!) I quickly replied that Tony last had a blessing a few days prior to his most recent surgery in March. It was then that our dear friend placed his hands upon Tony's bare head and began to teach us many things. Much of what he said we hold very sacred and dear but there is one thing I want to share.

In life, we all experience sorrows and sicknesses. It is inevitable and inescapable because we live in a fallen world with bodies subject to an imperfect world. For seven years, I have wrestled with trying to figure out why Tony has a brain tumor. We know that the cause of Tony's tumor is because of his genetic makeup but could there have been something we could have done to prevent this? Was this tumor a result of natural causes in a fallen world? Or was this disease God-given? Did Heavenly Father GIVE this trial to us? Or did He ALLOW it to happen? Or is it some random occurrence that He doesn't want to interfere with?

Over the years, I have began to find comfort as I slowly added answers to my questions but things were still unclear. I'm grateful that I have been able to rely on Tony's faith and my faith in knowing that whatever the answers to these questions were, God has a plan for us either way.

But it was last week that those answers became more clear in a very direct way. As our friend was directed through the Holy Ghost in pronouncing a blessing upon Tony, his words struck comfort and understanding into my heart immediately. If Tony's brain tumor was God-given, or in other words, if our loving Heavenly Father ordained Tony to have this sickness, then it is purposeful and instrumental, even necessary, in bringing eternal salvation to Tony. And if Tony's tumor is only as a result of our weak bodies in this weakened world, then Tony will be healed.

It really is that simple.

Either Tony will be healed because it is not God's will to take him yet, or Heavenly Father needs Tony (and I do say, myself included) to undergo this trial in order for us to gain eternal life with Him and our families.

If Tony's body succumbs to his cancer, it is God's plan and His plan does not stop there. He will continue to teach and guide and support our family in His wisdom and in His timing. If this is to be, I will testify of Heavenly Father's perfect wisdom and love for us, for He knows us intimately and more personally than we even know ourselves. Who am I to choose the best path for our family when I know there is my loving Heavenly Father gently leading me by the hand to guide me to eternal life with Him?  I will boldly testify of His love and wisdom with all my being for all my days.

If Tony is healed, I will leap with joy! I will shout to the world and proclaim that our God is a God of miracles! I will tell every person I meet of the wonderful goodness of our God, and that if we exercise true faith, miracles can happen! I will sing songs in praise to His name and will boldly testify  to all of Heavenly Father's plan for every human soul who has ever lived.

I know this is true. God has a plan for each of us, and nothing, not even a terminal brain tumor, can get in the way of His plan for us. Heavenly Father's will WILL be done. My tender prayer to Him is that I can strengthen my faith in order to not only accept His plan for my family, but to also be truly grateful for the plan He created for me.

With that being said, I want to express my hope and desire for the future if the Lord sees fit to grant it unto me. I want to see Tony teaching seminary again because he is so passionate about our Savior and finds so much fulfillment and happiness being with others and sharing his testimony with them. I want to see Tony dribble a basketball again, and to teach our children to ride a bike. I want to see him sing Rascal Flatts at the top of his lungs in springtime as we drive through the cool mountains. I want to see him tickle our kids' legs and softly hum as he comforts them to sleep at night. I want him to wrap both his arms around me tightly and kiss my forehead. I want to see wrinkles form around his eyes and around his smile, and to see his hair turn gray. I want him to cradle our grandchildren in his arms, and to tell our children how proud he is of them, and how much he loves them all.

I want so much. Here are the desires of my heart if He sees it best to give them. But above all, I want to follow our Savior and trust in our God because I know true joy is found therein. He truly loves us and only His plan for our lives and in turning to our Savior can bring us full joy!

The bare necessities of life will come to you

This is a picture of our six children when we went to go see "Jungle Book" with one of Tony's coworkers last week. Our kids loved it!

I was thinking about the lyrics to this song as I was browsing through my pictures on my phone yesterday. "The bare necessities of life will come to you." I've always thought this was a song about laziness and living the "easy" way in life, just floating around without a care in the world. And for Baloo, it may be that way. But that is not the case for our family.

The past several months and even extended to Tony's initial diagnosis back in 2009, the bare necessities of life have not just "come" to us with no thought or care. It has been YOU who has put in so much love and work to help our family; it is by no coincidence that we have been blessed beyond measure.

Recently our kids have been spoiled. We received many anonymous Christmas gifts over the holiday season, we received a (may I say super cool!) play set for our back yard. Movie nights, yummy meals, fun yard working days, outings, lunch dates, help with driving Tony to treatments, prayers and fasts, treats, having our kids over to play at your house... all of these things have spoiled our children--- in a very good way. They are able to offset any distress in our family by these great memories they are making with us and with you. And all because you wanted to help. For that, I sincerely say thank you.

When Tony was in the hospital longer than expected, I felt I needed to leave one night in order to be back at home with our kids. We both were at a very emotional state as we wanted so much to be home as a family, yet nothing was falling into place to allow Tony to leave. Before I left for the night, Tony needed help with getting ready for bed and he checked his Facebook account before handing me his phone to be charged for the night. He glanced up at me with tears in his eyes and without saying anything, handed me his phone. One of his seminary students had started an online fundraiser for our family and it then quickly started to exceed the goal amount of money they wished to raise. Over the next few days, I saw many people I knew, some that I had never met, and many anonymous donors pitching in to help our family. There are few moments where I have been so humbled. Tears streaked down my face every time a donation was added, many in amounts that must have been a sacrifice for their families. We were reminded of the story in the New Testament, the widow's mite. Donations in amounts of $5 by students taught me great love and sacrifice; their contributions are great in our eyes. I stand amazed at the gift of love from you. Please accept my heart-felt thank you.

I can't relay everything that has been done to help us. There is so just so much. I desperately want to hug everyone who has helped us and tell you personally what it has meant to us. But I know my words fall short of the gratitude Tony and I share. There is no way to express it but I hope this can be at least a small token. We have bound our hearts of gratitude to yours.

The bare necessities of life did not just simply "come" to us, God has worked through your hands to aid our family in our time of need. We have spent several hours pleading on our knees praying for help and you have been our answers. There is no way someone goes through an experience like this without the support of their family, friends, and community. We feel your prayers raising us up, giving us strength to push forward and fight.

One of the greatest insights I have recognized so far is the need to be humble. With six young children and a husband who is sick, I can't do it alone. But I desperately want to do it alone! I want to be supermom and "the best wife ever" who can keep everything together and flowing smooth during this time. I don't want to show my tears and my worries, and I definitely don't want to be needy or a burden. I don't want to be that way because of praise, I just want to be strong enough for my family.

I cannot be that person. No one can. During a time like this, we all bond together and buoy each other up. There are only so many hours in the day and always so much to be done. I thank you for stepping in when I physically cannot.

We have to learn to accept help. It is so hard. So, so hard. Really, it is something I have struggled with learning. But it is necessary. Humility is the only way we can access the Atonement of Jesus Christ, the gift that is ours if we choose it. His gift is the only way to be happy, to have peace, to fully love, and to one day, have a complete fullness of joy. We learn from Him as we are humbled to be helped and in turn, our hearts are moved as we choose to be humbled to help others.

So, the bare necessities of life did not come to us by floating down a river on our back, watching the clouds go by. They came through you and, most importantly, through our Father in Heaven.