Dear Tony,
There is no other way to explain this but I am homesick for you. On days like today, my heart feels like it’s a stress ball, my stomach is in knots, my head is cloudy, the lump in my throat just plain hurts, and my eyes are welling up with tears every few minutes.
Grief is a strange thing; life can feel fine for awhile where I think of you constantly but with a smile on my face. Reminiscing about you and longing for you gladdens my soul with hope and excitement for seeing you again. But then some of those awful days hit when you least expect it as if being punched in the stomach. The after pains are just as intense as the initial blow, and I feel sick.
It really is homesickness. I long for our life together again where everything flowed and made sense, where I felt I always had a place in this world where together we worked toward our dreams. My ears long to hear your voice; my eyes to see your face when you laugh. If you could just come hold me for a few minutes and talk and laugh and cry with me, I’d be ready to face another ten months of missing you.
This nasty homesickness reminds me of all the domino effects of things I don’t want to do anymore. I don’t want to mark “single: widowed/divorced/separated” on another form again. I don’t want to explain my situation to people and make them feel a little uncomfortable. I don’t want to tell our little Tanner over and over again that God can’t make you come back right now. I don’t want to navigate life’s challenges without your input and direction. I don’t want to miss you anymore.... because I just want you here.
Despite all the things I don’t want to do, slowly I’m finding the things I do want to do— and turn them into things I can accomplish. I do want to make you proud of how I am living as an individual and how I am trying to raise our children. I do want to sacrifice any “wants” in my life so that our kids will look back at their childhood, not feeling angry that you are gone but only grateful for how much they have been blessed. I do want to always be able to see God’s tender hand in our lives and know that you will always care and will be near. And I do want to encourage others in their daily battles by opening up about my own troubles, in hopes of letting the world know that regardless of our challenges we can persevere and become better through Christ. These are things I can do, and doing them makes the homesickness more bearable.
Tony, I also want you to know how much our kids miss you. And that they are all so beautiful and strong and remarkable in their own ways. Despite their own awful grief, they are happy, loving and kind; they want to be good and do their best. I know you are helping somehow and I want to thank you for still leading and guiding our family with me.
You have half of my heart with you and I am beginning to see that you left half of yours with me.
I love you.
Erica
