As I lay on my couch tonight staring at our glowing Christmas tree in the dark, I listened to this rendition of “O Come, O Come, Emmanuel” about half a dozen times (it is one of Tony’s absolute favorites). All my kids tucked safely in bed and with the house quiet, I finally made some time for some deep reflection.
This weekend marked one year since Tony died. We have made it through a full year of “firsts” and now are beginning a journey that really feels like Tony is gone. This will be our second Christmas without him, and all the day to day happenings and even holidays feel different; we really have found a “new normal.” It is so much of a bittersweet emotion: I hate that I know I will never have the past again yet it is good that we are able to continue pushing forward to find a life that will bring us happiness, even without Tony here. Still, one day does not go by that I don’t think of Tony several times. Most of the time I can reflect with a smile but there are days when the pain is still intense. I’ve grown accustomed to feeling this way so that it is now “tolerable.” I imagine it will be a part of my character for the rest of my life.
365 days seems like such a short time period. Looking back, the time has gone by quickly and there has been so much change. Yet even with time passing, it feels as if its been a decade since I last curled up next to Tony, clenching his hand while he took his last breaths. He is so much a part of me and always will remain so, but I find myself forgetting what it felt like to have him here, watching him flourish as a father, as a husband, as a brother and son, as a friend, as a teacher. I hold all my memories of him close to my heart, and I cannot wait for the day when we are together, so that my heart will feel whole again.
365 days also has brought on a lot of change. Widowhood has affected every aspect of my life. There have been obvious hard changes such as being a single parent, changing social circles, making decisions alone, and the plain loneliness that comes at night. But there have also been good changes as well. They are harder to see but when I stop and reflect quietly, they are easier to be found. Above all, I have learned to rely on my Savior, who truly is the only one who can understand and feel my pain. I have learned that He will never abandon me even when the day seems dark and dreary. I have learned in more depth my strengths and weaknesses as a mother, which has allowed me to be honest and forgiving of myself. I have learned that it is not weak to ask for and accept help after I have done everything that I can. I have learned that I need to slow down, to be still and to listen. These lessons will continue to teach me as I strive to improve upon each one.
The most unexpected lesson I have learned is that I now ache in a whole new way when other people experience pain. This has been perhaps one of the best blessings yet hardest trial that has coincided with becoming a widow. Perhaps since I have been pretty open about my experiences this past year, it has opened doors for others to confide in me about their struggles in life. Learning of others’ challenges has opened my eyes and heart to a new level. This has been a blessing because I feel that I am feeling and changing in a way that my Heavenly Father wants me to, yet it is also very difficult to feel so deeply and ache when someone I love is hurting. At night I think about all the challenges people I care about are going through and all I want is to take their pain away, just as I wish my pain could be taken away. My fault in all of this is that I never know how to express my empathy and concern in a way that will be known as sincere. I am still trying to stretch and grow so that I can be our Savior’s arms and comfort others as Christ does. I sure have a lot of work to do.
Lastly, I have learned that there is so much good. My family and I are surrounded by wonderful people who are happy and willing to “bear one another’s burdens” and “mourn with those who stand in need of comfort.” We have truly been blessed during the hardest year our family has experienced. Thank you to all of you who continue to lift me up and care. I truly love you all and aspire to show kindness to others as you have shown kindness to my kids and me. You are truly my examples and the angels that surround my family.
