Again, I want to thank everyone for the continued love and support we are receiving from so many of you. I hope to one day to be able to express our gratitude perfectly and to have opportunities to serve and uplift your lives as you have ours.
We have been so blessed by all who have visited us. Despite Tony's fatigue, he expressed to me tonight his sincere gratitude to our friends and family who come by for brief visits. Each visitor brings a special spirit into our home and adds courage and love into our lives. It must be a relief for Tony as well, as he must be so sick of talking with me all the time ;)
Tonight I want to write about a particular experience we had a week ago. Tony and I were able to have a friend visit as we were putting the kids to bed. When he arrived, we updated him on Tony's current health situation, he then asked Tony how long it had been since he had a priesthood blessing. (For those of you who are unfamiliar with priesthood blessings, you can visit here to learn more!) I quickly replied that Tony last had a blessing a few days prior to his most recent surgery in March. It was then that our dear friend placed his hands upon Tony's bare head and began to teach us many things. Much of what he said we hold very sacred and dear but there is one thing I want to share.
In life, we all experience sorrows and sicknesses. It is inevitable and inescapable because we live in a fallen world with bodies subject to an imperfect world. For seven years, I have wrestled with trying to figure out why Tony has a brain tumor. We know that the cause of Tony's tumor is because of his genetic makeup but could there have been something we could have done to prevent this? Was this tumor a result of natural causes in a fallen world? Or was this disease God-given? Did Heavenly Father GIVE this trial to us? Or did He ALLOW it to happen? Or is it some random occurrence that He doesn't want to interfere with?
Over the years, I have began to find comfort as I slowly added answers to my questions but things were still unclear. I'm grateful that I have been able to rely on Tony's faith and my faith in knowing that whatever the answers to these questions were, God has a plan for us either way.
But it was last week that those answers became more clear in a very direct way. As our friend was directed through the Holy Ghost in pronouncing a blessing upon Tony, his words struck comfort and understanding into my heart immediately. If Tony's brain tumor was God-given, or in other words, if our loving Heavenly Father ordained Tony to have this sickness, then it is purposeful and instrumental, even necessary, in bringing eternal salvation to Tony. And if Tony's tumor is only as a result of our weak bodies in this weakened world, then Tony will be healed.
It really is that simple.
Either Tony will be healed because it is not God's will to take him yet, or Heavenly Father needs Tony (and I do say, myself included) to undergo this trial in order for us to gain eternal life with Him and our families.
If Tony's body succumbs to his cancer, it is God's plan and His plan does not stop there. He will continue to teach and guide and support our family in His wisdom and in His timing. If this is to be, I will testify of Heavenly Father's perfect wisdom and love for us, for He knows us intimately and more personally than we even know ourselves. Who am I to choose the best path for our family when I know there is my loving Heavenly Father gently leading me by the hand to guide me to eternal life with Him? I will boldly testify of His love and wisdom with all my being for all my days.
If Tony is healed, I will leap with joy! I will shout to the world and proclaim that our God is a God of miracles! I will tell every person I meet of the wonderful goodness of our God, and that if we exercise true faith, miracles can happen! I will sing songs in praise to His name and will boldly testify to all of Heavenly Father's plan for every human soul who has ever lived.
I know this is true. God has a plan for each of us, and nothing, not even a terminal brain tumor, can get in the way of His plan for us. Heavenly Father's will WILL be done. My tender prayer to Him is that I can strengthen my faith in order to not only accept His plan for my family, but to also be truly grateful for the plan He created for me.
With that being said, I want to express my hope and desire for the future if the Lord sees fit to grant it unto me. I want to see Tony teaching seminary again because he is so passionate about our Savior and finds so much fulfillment and happiness being with others and sharing his testimony with them. I want to see Tony dribble a basketball again, and to teach our children to ride a bike. I want to see him sing Rascal Flatts at the top of his lungs in springtime as we drive through the cool mountains. I want to see him tickle our kids' legs and softly hum as he comforts them to sleep at night. I want him to wrap both his arms around me tightly and kiss my forehead. I want to see wrinkles form around his eyes and around his smile, and to see his hair turn gray. I want him to cradle our grandchildren in his arms, and to tell our children how proud he is of them, and how much he loves them all.
I want so much. Here are the desires of my heart if He sees it best to give them. But above all, I want to follow our Savior and trust in our God because I know true joy is found therein. He truly loves us and only His plan for our lives and in turning to our Savior can bring us full joy!
