First off, great news! Tony finished his last treatments of chemotherapy and radiation yesterday! The staff at Huntsman will be missing him and will have a little less excitement in their work place now ;)
On June 9th Tony will have a brain scan and we will meet with his neuro-oncologist to discuss the results and see if there will be further treatments, etc. I'll be sure to post updates that evening.
Awhile back, Tony and I were driving in the car having one of our deep discussions, We do all our best talking when we are driving somewhere, especially back and forth from Salt Lake to home. Our discussion led us to bouncing ideas off each other about how to build self-esteem and how we can help foster divine worth in our children. During this conversation I made a simple remark that "Comparison is the thief of joy." As I said this, Tony looked at me with astonishment and surprise. He admitted that he was really impressed that I came up with this phrase and told me he was going to use it when teaching his students. He was seriously smitten with me, his jaw dropped and everything. I felt pretty cool for about 10 seconds, and then my face turned red and I laughed so hard I had tears streaming down my cheeks.
It is not my quote!
See, there was a pretty awesome leader named Teddy Roosevelt. It's his. Not mine. I'm flattered that Tony thinks I'm witty enough to come up with some great slogan but there's a fat chance that will happen seeing that I only get in one good joke each month.
President Roosevelt was a wise man. Comparison is the thief of joy. We talked about how so many low self-esteem problems rise from too much comparison in our society. Who can be the smartest? Who can make the most money? Who is the most athletic? Who is the fairest of them all?! Now, I think a little healthy competition is beneficial to us all at some points as it can be a motivating factor in bettering ourselves. But comparison is definitely toxic when the end result is only self pity, envy ore resentment.
I catch myself tormenting myself with the comparison game sometimes. Today I turn the ripe ol' age of 29. I've always felt that once I turned 30 (and wow, that is pretty soon!) that I needed to "officially" be an adult. You know, the adults who have half a years' worth of living expenses in their savings account, the ones who own their home, the ones who immerse themselves in PTA and coaching their kids' teams, the ones who have a 20 year plan and look like they are sticking to it.
Well, I am definitely no where near "adulting" in this sense. That nasty comparison game creeps up on me here and there throughout each year when I am reminded that many around me have these things and I don't yet. And it's something I've been playing a long time. I hate this game and I'm trying to burn it. Really.
What are the ways we can bury this comparison game forever? Tony and I discuss this often and we are beginning to find ways to play less often. He is really good at refusing to play. How does he do it?
1. Discovering the divine nature of our spirits. Simply put, we are God's children and that is enough. This alone, when truly taken to heart, can fill our souls with worth so we know and understand how unique and special and deeply loved we are individually to our Heavenly Father. That's pretty incredible. We don't have to "beat" anyone out to be loved perfectly by Him. We already are.
2. Studying and understanding the Atonement. You knew this one was coming ;) The Atonement of Jesus Christ was performed individually for you and me, one by one, with no rush or distractions. The Savior really does know our deepest joys and sorrows, and when we come to actually FEEL this, we know we are never alone when we feel battered down about ourselves or our lives. Turning to Christ allows us to know we are better than our circumstances and more than our flaws. He focuses on our strengths and never ever compares us to others.
3. Learning true beauty. Someone once told me that it was unhealthy to tell your children that they are beautiful and instead, to only focus on their character strengths. While compliments to one's character uplifts and helps others, helping someone discover their true beauty encompasses all these things. Instead of saying to your child (or to yourself in this case) "You are so smart" (which can feel fleeting as situations in life change) try telling someone they are beautiful. Tony tells me all the time how beautiful I am, and nine times out of ten it is when I'm getting ready for bed and I'm in sweats and have no make-up on. I am definitely not in my "A" game in my pjs. Although I am physically pretty in his eyes, he really is complimenting me on the beauty of my soul, of my attitude, of my motherly traits, of my ____, etc. Try telling yourself you are beautiful today! And start believing it!
4. Complimenting others. When we can start seeing the good in others and actually telling them what we enjoy about them, feelings of competition fade. We begin to love them personally and realize that anything good about others is not a threat to our own being. Celebrate when good things happen to other people, and feel concern and sorrow when disappointments happen in their lives. Any of Tony's students reading this will definitely attest that Brother Means is a great complimenter and it does wonders for his happiness.
5. Counting your many blessings. Really do name them one by one. It's hard to get started when you are down but if you think about the greatest blessing you have and realize what a difference your life would be without them, your whole being will swell with gratitude and humility. It's never helpful to count your blessings by saying "Well, I might not have this, but I have this" or, "At least I'm not dealing with this." Just name what you DO have and soon we can come to realize that we really are given so much.
I bring this up because lately it can be hard for me not to start comparing my present life to what I thought my life would be at 29 years old. I never imagined when we married almost nine years ago that we would be facing the reality of our mortality at such young ages. I never imagined that we would have to have some serious discussions about an alternative future to my fairy tale desires. I thought that if we worked hard and tried to constantly improve ourselves that we would be living in a cute white house with a wrap-around porch on a small farm, watching thunderstorms while holding hands with Tony on our porch swing as our cute kids jumped in rain puddles, with me in a beautiful dress and dutch braids in my long hair. I'd have the patience of Job and a smile on my face- always. And if I could, I'd always be cuddling with a baby on my lap :) My little dream may not seem like much but it's what I've wanted for a long time, and what Tony and I are working towards. It may not happen. Or if we are blessed with a miracle, our little dream could come true.
I'm terrible at comparing myself to my ideal self, seeing how I have many flaws and "should" have those flaws fixed. Every few weeks, I feel myself slipping into a destructive state wishing that the plans we had for our family didn't have to be on hold right now. No one knows what their future holds. No one really can be an "adult" and stick to a 20 year plan with no wrenches thrown in the works. "Adulting" comes when we can accept and embrace the plan that our Heavenly Father has mapped out for us, and I'm trying hard to do this each day.
Counting my blessings, I am deeply moved and humbled when I see what the Lord has given my family. We may have some difficult problems in our life right now but it is all trumped by the beautiful tokens of blessings we enjoy. And as I try to live the five steps above, my worth increases and I can more fully see myself and my family in God's eyes. In the eyes of our sweet Emma (who drew the picture above), our little family of eight is just perfect and happy as we are right here and now. We don't need a cute white house on a little farm with thunderstorms. Right now I have what is in our daughter's drawing and that is a dream come true. Cancer will never destroy our eternal family, it will only draw our family closer together and to God if we allow ourselves to stop our comparisons. I'm starting to experience the joy that comes in the absence of comparisons. I wouldn't change how God has blessed me!
