In less than four months since Tony's passing, I've had a long list of things I wanted to accomplish before our baby is born. Tonight I finished the last item on my list.
It has been such a brief time since Tony died, the months have gone by quickly yet it has felt as if its been years since I've last seen him. I feel this is a difficult part of grieving as reality doesn't quite seem real and my heart feels confused at times.
As my days pass, I think to myself, "Is this really how life is now? When is Tony coming home so I can ask his advice, tell him a funny story, or hold his hand?" It's difficult to wrap my mind around our new world without Tony physically here, even though he has been gone for a season. But on nights like tonight, when I check an important item off my list, the reality settles in for a short time. As difficult as it is to feel the deep grief of loss and the sorrow of lost opportunities together in this life, it is also a remarkably refreshing cleanse of the heart and mind. It is bitter and it is sweet.
We have had wonderful service from many to help our family remember him. A dear friend and her mother sewed teddy bears out of Tony's sweaters (the kids call them their "Daddy teddies" and hold them close each night). Another sweet person offered to make quilts out of Tony's t-shirts. A neighbor is compiling all the audio recordings I've found from Tony, some which are priceless to me. I've made individual photo books for each of the kids with pictures of them with their daddy to keep in their beds with them. And my last project, all the wonderful stories and uplifting words you have shared with my family over the past year and a half have finally been compiled in a book along with letters and memorabilia from Tony. All these things mean the world for me to have for our children as these will become their memories as they grow. It's a relief to have it all compiled safely but difficult to see that it's actually finished. Again, it is bitter and sweet. I feel that the chapter of Tony's liveliness is now closed and ended, almost as it has made his death final in this life.
Baby Caleb Anthony will be joining our family before the end of the month. If you see me around, you will know that I am definitely ready to have this baby- my ever growing belly is stretched to its limit! The day of his birth is quickly approaching and as excited as I am to hold Caleb in my arms and feel the unique and special spirit of a new baby in my home, I am also very nervous. I am nervous to give birth without Tony by my side. I am nervous that I won't measure up to the mother I need to be for all my kids. I am nervous that the reality of losing Tony will sink in-- and stay.
Tony has always been such an amazing father. One thing I love about him is that Tony loves to hold our newborns, almost so that we would jokingly fight over whose turn it was to cuddle with the baby! Many of my favorite pictures of Tony are of him snuggling a baby in his arms on the couch after he drifts off to sleep for a nap. I love seeing my babies peacefully sleeping with my biggest baby :) I loved caring for Tony and stroking his hair while he napped with our little ones. I am nervous the heartache will feel too much for me to bear. The loss of future memories made in this life hurts so much sometimes.
My nervous worries may make this new change in our life bitter in some ways--- but I'm learning and trusting that they can become more sweet to me than bitter. Even though Tony has died, his spirit lives and he will live again as a fully perfect being! I know that while trying my best and trusting in my Father in Heaven, that if I allow Christ to make up my losses that those losses will turn into blessings. Those blessings can include joy and purpose in this life even without my sweetheart here. If I allow it and humble myself, God can transform me through the pain I experience and I can be more loving, thankful, and wise. And the most beautiful blessing of all will be when Tony and I can be reunited and I can then see how much he helped me every step of the way. I hope to tell him that I took those bittersweet moments and allowed the sweet to overcome the bitter, just as my Heavenly Father has intended for us all to do.
